


I am scared to death

by LaufeysKid



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-07
Updated: 2014-01-07
Packaged: 2018-01-07 19:48:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1123703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaufeysKid/pseuds/LaufeysKid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Leonard McCoy does not smile and he is most definitely not crushing on Spock.</p><p>Or, how the CMO and first officer ended up together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I am scared to death

**Author's Note:**

> The title is a song by the band HIM from the album Screamworks: Love in theory and practice. You should check it out, it seemed appropriate.  
> English is not my first language and this is not beta read, all mistakes are mine and I am sorry about them.  
> This is the longest thing I've written in years, I hope it doesn't suck. 
> 
> Star Trek is not mine and I am not making any money by making this story.

I am scared to death

 

“You’re smiling.” 

Leonard looks up from where he is sitting, Jim is grinning at him. 

“What?” 

“You’re smiling, Bones!” Jim says as he sits down next to his CMO.

“No I’m not.” He does not smile.

“You _were_ smiling.” 

“Get lost Jim, I’m busy.” 

“Yes, eating that sandwich looks tough, Bones. So who is it?” Jim asks, invading the doctor’s personal space.

“What are you talking about?” Leonard can’t really ignore the captain now.

“Well last time you smiled like that was when you had a huge crush on me back at the academy-”

“Oh please.”

“So who is it, is it Chapel?”

“You’re seeing things Jim, maybe you need to get you head checked, I think I’ll order you to another examination soon.” Leonard gets up, having lost his appetite. 

He knows Jim is right, but that doesn’t mean he’s ready to talk about it.

“I’m going to find out sooner or later, Leonard McCoy!” 

He can still hear Jim laughing when he walks out of the mess hall.  

Jim is not the first one to point it out to him, Chapel did once already and Uhura, too. Hell, even Chekov has noticed something is different. 

It has been almost a year, ever since the incident with Khan the CMO has been spending a lot of time with certain science officer, it was logical. Spock would visit Jim pretty much daily and Leonard was his doctor, they ran into each other more often than not, and they did stop by to chat, Spock sometimes even tried to be supportive, not that it ever really worked. Leonard really did appreciate it, though.

Leonard could not exactly point out when he had started smiling by just thinking about Spock. He’s not sure he likes it either. He’s a doctor, CMO dammit, he doesn’t have time for those kinds of things. And it’s not like certain Vulcan has shown any interest in him, that would be illogical. Besides, why would anyone want anything with him? He is grumpy and he is a horrible person, and besides, they’re always fighting. Sure, he enjoys having arguments with the science officer, especially when they discuss theories or complain about their captain, but so what? He knows he shouldn’t get his hopes up, he is not a man destined to be loved. He had Jocelyn and look how that ended. Spock is a member of the crew and a friend, nothing more. 

 

-*-*-*

“Doctor, are you alright?” 

Leonard looks up from his desk , startled, he really hates daydreaming.

“Spock! Hi, yes I’m okay. I was just-” he’s smiling again, “-just thinking. Are _you_  okay?” 

“I had an accident while working at the lab, it is not severe but I thought it would be wise to check with you.” Spock holds out his arm and reveals a burn right below his wrist, it’s not big but it looks painful.

“Dammit! What happened?” Leonard is back in doctor mode. 

“It would seem like I was not paying enough attention while working.” 

“You? Distracted?” Leonard can’t believe what he is hearing.

“I was thinking about something else, doctor. I realize it was a mistake.”

“What could you have possibly be thinking about to get you distracted during work?” 

Spock does that Vulcan thing that Leonard knows is as close to a smile as it gets.

“Would you join me for dinner, doctor?” 

Leonard doesn’t reply, it’s not like they have never shared a meal together, they do all the time. Something is different this time, Spock has never asked him to anything before.

“Doctor?” 

“Yes.”

“Yes?”

“Let’s have dinner.” 

 

-*-*-*

Dr. Leonard  Horatio McCoy is as professional as it gets. On most days. 

Some days, shit happens. Really. 

Being a doctor can be unpleasant. Sure, he loves his job and he’s a damned good surgeon but some days are just bad, especially when you’re in charge of a whole crew. He knows he can’t take care of every single one of them, but that doesn’t mean he can just brush it off as if nothing had happened, especially when people’s lives are involved. 

“Dr. McCoy, do you have a minute?” Spock he says as walks into his office, the first officer just raises an eyebrow when he notices the state he’s in.

“Sure commander.” He sets down his glass, it’s already half empty, “How may I help you?” 

He’s ready to be given a lecture, Vulcan style. Starfleet regulations cited, risks about alcohol consumption, he’s seen it happen before. 

“Nurse Chapel reported that you were unwell and I can see that. May I be of any assistance?”  

“I-what?” Leonard did not see that coming. 

“I am concerned, doctor. Surely after all these years you understand that you can’t save every single patient that walks into sickbay and yet you are drinking while still on duty. Perhaps talking about it would be a far more effective solution.” 

“She wasn’t supposed to die, Spock! I know I can’t save everyone but she was responding to the treatment and all of a sudden she just died. I know away missions don’t always go as planned but she was only 24! She had her whole life ahead of her and I simply don’t know what went wrong. There was no good reason for her to die.” 

“Doctor, is there ever a _good_  reason for a living being to die?” 

Leonard doesn’t know how to respond to that. 

“I believe your shift is over now, perhaps you would like to join me in the mess hall?” 

Leonard follows the Vulcan out of sickbay. He smiles a little on his way out, wondering why Spock would even bother with him.

 

-*-*-*

“Captain, may I ask you a question?” Spock asks, handing a PADD over to Jim. 

It has been a slow shift, they’re on their way to Capella IV and they’re not supposed to find any trouble on their way there. They still have a couple of hours to go.

“Yes Mr. Spock, what is it?” Jim looks at his first officer, expecting a work-related question.

“Is something wrong with Dr. McCoy?” 

“Excuse me?” 

“He has not been himself for the past two days, I believe by human standards he appears to be ‘sad’. I was simply pondering if something might have happened to him.” Spock explains.

Jim knows exactly what’s wrong with his CMO, he’s known since the fist year they were at the academy, Leonard got so drunk Jim was afraid he’d end up at the hospital. He had asked for an explanation and after many hours Bones had finally spoken. Jim knows it’s not something he shares with everyone.

“I can’t tell you Spock, and it’s really not because I don’t _want_  to, but I don’t think Bones would want me to tell you. You’re going to have to ask him directly. I’m sorry.” 

“It is quite alright, captain. However, must I conclude that something did happen to him?” 

“Just ask him, Spock. Worse case scenario, he’ll tell you to get lost.” 

Spock simply raises an eyebrow.

 

It is not until some hours later that Spock walks into sickbay, but Dr. McCoy’s office is empty.

“Nurse, could you tell me where Dr. McCoy is?” Spock asks nurse Chapel who just smiles at him.

“I really don’t know, Mr. Spock. He’s been acting weird all day, he left as soon as his shift was over, didn’t say anything. He’s probably at the observation deck.” 

 

Spock finds the doctor exactly where nurse Chapel suggested, it looks like he has been crying. 

Leonard tries to ignore him, but he knows it will be of no use.

“Doctor? Is something wrong?” Spock asks, he is not sure how to deal with the situation, but he is quite concerned.

“Hi Spock, it’s nothing.”  Leonard wipes at his eyes, he knows they’re red and swollen, of course Spock will notice something is going on.

“Doctor, as first officer I am supposed to look after everyone’s well being. As your friend, I am concerned. Is something wrong with you, physically?” 

Leonard just shakes his head and laughs nervously.

“No, it’s not that at all.” 

“Then what is it?” Spock is not sure if he should be asking the doctor so many questions, but he has to admit that he’s not very logical when he’s around him nowadays.

“I’m afraid if I tell you, you won’t see me the same way any more.” Leonard does his best to stop the tears from coming, but he is unsuccessful.

“Dr. McCoy, that statement is most illogical.” 

Leonard actually laughs.

“Well alright, Mr. Spock. It- My father died on this day, four years ago.” 

Spock looked surprise for a second.

“I grieve with thee.” 

“I-I killed him Spock.” 

Leonard is sure he has never seen Spock’s eyebrow go higher.

“Doctor, I refuse to believe such a statement.” 

“He was sick, really sick and in pain. He had Pyrrhoneuriti, I tried to come up with a cure but I just couldn’t find one. He asked me to-to stop treating him, he just wanted to rest, he wanted the suffering to stop, we all did! So I did, I stopped the treatment. They found the cure a few months later, Spock. My father should have lived and I killed him.”  

Spock does not know what to say and Leonard starts getting nervous, he can understand why Jim didn’t want to share the doctor’s secret. 

“Dr. McCoy, you did not kill your father.” 

“Yes, Spock, everyone has told me how it’s not the same. It still feels that way, though, and I don’t think I can forgive myself.” 

Spock can’t think of anything to say, he is not used to dealing with emotions after all. He decides to use a technique his mother would use when he was younger.

Leonard can’t believe what’s happening when Spock steps forward and hugs him. He hugs the science officer back and smiles for the first time in the whole day. 

He wonders if Spock will ever stop surprising him.

Twenty minutes later, they’re in Spock’s quarters when Leonard is presented with a slice of peach pie. 

“I have been informed that some humans eat specific types of food in times of distress or emotional discomfort, the captain suggested pie.” 

Spock offers no more explanations, Leonard is sure replicated pie was never so good.

 

-*-*-*

 

Jim thinks he’s been having too much Romulan ale when he sees his first officer walking out of his CMO’s quarters.

“Spock?” 

“Yes captain?” Spock asks.

“Um, what are you doing?” Jim can’t help but to smile.

“I came to see Dr. McCoy.”

“Are you sick?” 

“Not at all, I simply wished to give him a book I found on our last visit to Earth. It is a medical book from the early XX century, I thought it was appropriate.” Spock explains.

“Oh that’s...nice I guess. So you two are getting along better, huh?” Jim knows that Spock is his friend, but Spock likes his privacy just like any other Vulcan, he’ll have to go to Leonard if he wants the details.

“I believe so, captain.” 

“Well that’s great! Awesome.”

“Is there anything else you need?”

“No, that will be all. Good night, Mr. Spock.” 

Jim doesn’t even wait for Spock to leave before he is walking towards Leonard’s room.

“Jim, Dr. McCoy was in surgery for five hours today, he requires rest. Surely your business with him can wait until the morning.” 

Jim knows better than to argue with that logic.

 

-*-*-*

 

Scotty says nothing, he’s not sure he can. He’s not sure he’s _not_  dreaming, maybe he’s been overdoing it again.

'No more Scotch for you!’ he tells himself, but at this point he’s sure he’s not seeing things.

“Don’t do anything stupid.” 

Dr. McCoy and Commander Spock are outside the transporter room, the captain only asked for Mr. Spock on the away team. 

“I will try, doctor.” 

“Be careful.” 

“I will.” 

Dr. McCoy looks down, Mr. Spock moves closer to him, lifts his chin and kisses him. It all happens very quickly, Scotty blinks and then Spock is gone, surely into the transporter room.

Dr. McCoy notices him standing there and scowls.

“Not _one_  word, Mr Scott!” 

“Wouldn’t dream of it, doctor!” 

Scotty knows it’s not something he’s going to be able to forget, though.

He could really use a drink. 

 

-*-*-*

“What the hell happened?!” Leonard knows Spock has a thing for getting hurt, but he’s never had to deal with anything like this. 

There’s green everywhere.

“I-I don’t know, Bones.” Jim, for once, looks uninjured.

“What do you mean you don’t know?!” Leonard is already running the tricorder over the first officer, nurse Chapel is standing right next to him.

“There was an explosion, I- I didn’t see it happen. They’re not supposed to have explosives, Bones! They have just discovered fire. I’m going to have to go down and see what’s going on.”  Jim explained, Leonard knew he was worried by just looking at him.

“You do that, Jim. We’re going to take him into surgery but I think he’s going to make it. Thank goodness for Vulcan hearts not being where they’re supposed to be.” 

Jim gave his CMO an apologetic smile before walking out of sickbay. 

Leonard sighed.

“Be careful, my ass.” 

“What, doctor?” Chapel asked, she had already set everything up to start surgery.

“Nothing, let’s see how bad it is.” 

That stupid hobgoblin better survive.

 

-*-*-*

Leonard wakes up as soon as he feels something on his head. He has no clue of where he is for one second before remembering everything.

“Commander! How are you feeling?” Leonard asks, getting up and in full ‘doctor-mode’ again. 

Spock just rises an eyebrow. Leonard would be annoyed if it were not the first time he’s actually talked to Spock in two days.

“Are you in pain? Anything that doesn’t feel like it’s supposed to?” Leonard tries again.

“I am fine. I am, however, experiencing hunger.” Spock replies, Dr. McCoy is no longer looking at him.

“I’ll ask Chapel to get you something.”

“You are mad at me.” 

Leonard finally looks up at Spock, and sighs. He has a headache.

“I’m not mad at _you_ , it’s just that-”

“Just that what?” 

“I know you just love pulling off your hero stunts, and I get it, you feel like you have to protect everyone on this crew but- but I just don’t think I can deal with it. I thought for a second that you were not going to make it and it scared me. It just made me realize that I really shouldn’t have let myself get this far into our...whatever it is that we have.” 

Spock looks puzzled but he already knows that Leonard doesn’t always make sense.

“I do not understand.” 

“I never should have gotten involved with you, Spock! Because- because everyone I love just goes away. I don’t think I can deal with you going away. It -It scares me, I’m not supposed to fall in love, I know it doesn’t work out for me.” 

“Leonard?”

“What?” He does not look up, even if it’s the first time that Spock has used his actual name. He likes it.

“I will try to be more careful, I have no intention of leaving you. The explosion was unexpected and I am sure the captain will tell us exactly what happened in the near future. Leonard, I believe you have to reconsider your views on ‘love’.” Spock looks very sure of himself as he says this.

Leonard just laughs.

“Sure Spock, what would you know about my love life?”

“I know that I love you and it would be illogical for you to deny your feelings.” 

Leonard just stares at him, not sure of what to say.

“Leonard? Are you well?” 

“You’re serious?” 

“Vulcans do not joke.”

“You love me?” 

“Yes, I believe I do.” Spock holds out his hand, two fingers extended in a Vulcan kiss. 

Leonard smiles and shakes his head, joining his fingers with Spock’s.

“You’re crazy, you know?” He tells him and pulls him into a human kiss. 

“Leonard, you are most illogical.” 

“Yeah yeah, but you like it.” 

Spock looks at the CMO and does what Leonard refers to as ‘the Vulcan smile’.

“I also like it when you do that, it is aesthetically pleasing.” 

Leonards scowls.

“When I do what?” 

“When you smile.” 

Leonard blushes as he leans in for another kiss. 

Spock might just get him to reconsider his views on smiling, too. 

 

 

 

 


End file.
